After a week of grieving and emotionally recovering (does that actually happen?), I have been thinking I am okay. When people ask, I say that I am feeling a little more normal and just getting back to life (which has to happen when one is already a parent to two children). However, today I realized I am taking my hurt over what has happened and venting it in other areas.
It has been little things that have irritated me or made me weepy, but the final straw that sent me over the edge was my salad. Yes, food.
I had stopped at the grocery store on my way home from Abby's school today, which in and of itself was not an easy thing to do with two kids at lunch time. There were lots of "I want that!" and "That looks yummy!" Even though I agreed with them, I played the mean mom and kept saying, "Stop asking for stuff-I have no money!" There were probably nicer ways to say "no," but I had completely lost any patience. In my mind, any little complaints or whines have been completely ridiculous compared to the pain we have recently suffered.
The traffic on the way home irritated me, my purse falling over when I made a sharp turn onto our street had me seeing red, and then my salad-my perfect little salad that I had made at the store for lunch-fell over on the kitchen floor. Upside down, lid opened, stuff everywhere.
I immediately burst into tears.
Of course my tears were not really about the salad, but were pent up from trying to be "normal" all week. While I swept up my lunch, I poured out my heart to God (in my mind, not out loud in front of the kids, lest they find their mother crazy-which they probably do anyway). My stream of conscienceness went something like this...
"Why did my salad have to fall...why can't anything go right today...why have I been rushing all morning...why do You keep throwing things at me to mess up my plans...You already took my baby away so why more now?"
That last thought was obviously the root of my tears. I have spent so much time being a "good Christian" and trusting in God and His ways, that I have not spent enough time just being angry with Him. There is a reason that David writes many of the Psalms in anger-IT'S NORMAL!
If I were to understand everything that He does, I would not need Him. I have not a clue as to why our child was taken away so soon, but I know that there is a reason. It does not mean I have to like the reason-in fact, I am pretty mad about it. But, somehow my anger is still bringing me closer to Him. How does that even happen?
There is a reason that Psalm 13 has these conflicting verses in the same chapter...
"How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?...But I trust in Your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in Your salvation. I will sing to the Lord for He has been good to me."
3 comments:
I can't even imagine the pain of losing a pregnancy. My prayers are with you and your family.
Just remember that this has always been God's child first and foremost, not yours. It was never your child, you were always meant to be entrusted with its life for only a short time. Whether that "short time" is a few weeks or 18 years, that's God's perogative. Please know that this is NOT to minimize your pain or sense of loss, only to remind you to think eternally and to remember that God will use your loss for His glory in some way. He doesn't like to see you in pain any more than you like being there.
Perspective is always easier from the bleachers ...
I appreciate your perspective Anonymous. As someone who has been a Christian for over 20 years, I understand this about God. However, the reason I wrote about my "anger" is for two reasons: 1) it's therapeutic for me to write and 2) to help ease any pain for those readers who have gone through this before or suffered in any way that makes them question why. I do try to think eternally and if that does not come across in any of my many posts, I apologize.
For future reference, Anonymous, your words would not bring much comfort to anyone who does not know God and has this happen to them. What people need in the early stages of grieving is a listening ear and not all the answers.
Hi Tammy...I happened upon your blog...by searching for the words to Open, Shut Them prayer...because I want to teach my 15 month old this, and saw your little boys picture and laughed at your blog about him praying for Uncle Billy's birthday (can't wait to hear what my son comes up with)..and then became interested in what else your blog had on it...I am so sorry for your loss..I had a miscarriage 8 years ago, and had to have a D&C, and I still think of this, and wonder why God did this, but as you know in the Bible it says God has a plan for us, as I am sure you know this. I just had to write you and say, I am so sorry for what you are going through.
Love in Him,
Laura
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