The Ninth Month

Oh, the beauty of the ninth month of pregnancy. Here are some of my favorite parts of this miraculous time...

1) No matter your size, everyone will say, "You look great and not at all ready to deliver!" Don't they know it is a sin to lie?

2) You can no longer see your toes (hint to every husband out there-pedicures are a wonderful gift for your lovely wife who is carrying your child) and shaving the upper part of your legs is a joke.

3) As you quickly waddle to keep up with your other children, they yell back, "Hurry up, slowpoke!"

4) Instead of enjoying the last few weeks of a good night's rest, you get up on the hour to use the bathroom because the pressure makes you think you are about to pee the bed, only to have a slight trickle once you sit down.

5) People tell you that you have "the glow." Oh, is that what the sweaty, exhausted and bloated look is called?

6) You fluxuate somewhere between tremendous pressure from the baby dropping to having him up so high in your ribs that the heartburn is out of control.

7) You appreciate all of the prayers for a "full-term baby," but would not be terribly upset for an early arrival.

8) You read in the baby books that it is normal to not gain any more weight from now on and realize that it is the Dairy Queen blizzards that are causing the opposite result and not the baby.

9) If you lean forward too much, sit back too far, or basically change any sitting position, you will immediately need to run to the bathroom.

10) The stretch marks are back and officially turning red.

11) You realize you should have invested in the company of Tums.

12) Even the "Expectant Mother Parking" is not close enough to the store.

13) There are maybe two or three maternity shirts that still get the job done. All of the others pop up over your belly while every pair of shorts or pants fall down.

14) Your pregnancy brain is so far gone that you pour juice on your cereal, forget what time to pick up your children from school, and remember to transfer the laundry from the washer to the dryer the next day, when you realize no one has any clean underwear.

15) It is a constant battle between wanting to eat a full meal or wanting to have heartburn all night.

16) You dream of having triplets (seriously, woke up in the middle of the night, relieved to find that I was only pregnant with one child), of losing your baby, of strangling your husband (okay, so that might stem from other things) and every crazy dream is wildly vivid.

17) You no longer wish for your husband to bring home flowers or jewerly, but milkshakes and chocolate are a dream.

18) In the waiting room of the doctor's office, you look around and curse the women who are cute and all belly and secretly smile at the ones who are larger than you.

19) You lovingly feel the baby moving inside, while silently pleading, "Please stop kicking me in the ribs."

20) It becomes official to you that time really does slow down during the last month-in fact, it may last an eternity.