Lately, I have been feeling the rut phase of my faith. You all know the feeling-the complete opposite of the mountain top experience.
I used to have such passion for reading my Bible and learning everything I could about God's word. I suppose that was easier to do in college, considering my major was Youth Ministries and I took many Bible classes. And it was not too hard to keep my passion alive when I worked as a Youth Director for three years. Every lesson I taught was a lesson to me since I spent so much time studying it in preparation.
One would think with the blessings of children, that faith would abound. It does, trust me. However, in the midst of taking care of everyone else in the house, I tend to use my "me time" doing not important things and use the excuse of "not enough time" for my quiet time with the Lord.
My innocence of the church has broken me a bit as well. Do not get me wrong-I love the Church. It is just that we had a few bad experiences in a row of being forgotten, of lies and rumors, and of pain. I love where we are members now, but I think those past experiences have left me feeling jaded about my faith.
None of this is a doubt in Jesus and Who He is-it is just a lack of excitement that I am feeling. And it really is a feeling. I know it is normal and everyone goes through ups and downs of their passion.
What is amazing to me is that it is not something I have done to suddenly renew this passion. But, God spoke through my little boy.
The other night, Nick was putting Caleb to bed. They were praying together and Caleb said to God, "Please be with my little sister that we lost. I hope she's being good up there for You."
(For new readers, we had a miscarriage last year and the kids all think it was a girl.)
What he said touched my heart in such a way that I have not felt for a long time. When I think about seeing our baby again someday, it brings such joy. What Caleb said reminded me of the amazing future we have with our Lord someday. It does not matter what I am feeling on a day to day basis-my faith remains and more importantly, God remains.
Can you imagine going through this life thinking it was all up to you? That your feelings and attitude would ultimately determine your fate? I am so gracious that God is more patient than me. He still knows me and loves me even when I am selfish with my time and ignoring Him. And He uses the quietest moments to reach to me, especially when I am not even looking.
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."