The Kids

The Kids

Monday, December 7, 2009

The One I Never Wanted To Write

It started last Wednesday.

I had some symptoms that made me nervous about the pregnancy. That night, it seemed a little more alarming. I went to the doctor Thursday afternoon to find out what was going on. Unfortunately, I had to take the kids with me since it was a last minute appointment and finding childcare was tricky. Nick was still teaching and coaching, as it was too last minute to find a replacement.

Abby and Caleb were great for me the entire time. They kept all the pregnant women in the waiting room either happy because of the joy in their playing or terrified for what is about to happen in their lives! For a five-year old and a three-year old, I think they were pretty well behaved. Okay, so maybe Caleb let out a couple of his famous farts and Abby was a bit loud at times-what can one expect?

It was quite interesting peeing in a cup with both kids in the room with me. That was a fun one to explain.

The kids listened well and stayed against the wall by my head during my internal exam. Caleb, ever so the boy, kept sneaking up to get a better look, until I would catch him and reach out to stop him. Ladies-picture the position I was in, with the doctor and where her hands were, and me trying to reach out to stop my three-year old son from being traumatized forever with what he might see...yes, it is okay to laugh.

At this point, everything was looking okay. While I was waiting for my ultrasound, the kids decided to play doctor. Abby had brought a baby doll in with her and after watching my exam, they placed the doll on a chair, opened up her diaper and started to "doctor." Yes, it is okay to laugh at this, too.

However, the ultrasound is where this story turns. The kids sat on my left, watching the screen and were so excited to see the baby. I was, too, since that meant something was there. It never occurred to me that anything could be wrong as long as I could see it. I looked at the doctor on my right and asked if everything was okay. She shook her head and mouthed, "No heartbeat."

I believe this was the second time in my life where time just stopped and I was lost in emotions. The first time was when I got the call that my cousin, David, had died unexpectedly. This time, I was struck with so many thoughts that I had no words. Only tears.

The doctor did a great job and took the kids out for candy right away so that I had a few minutes to myself. As if all my tears would end in a few minutes. After sobbing and somehow managing to get dressed, I walked out into the hall to find my kids and cancel my next scheduled appointment. We were supposed to hear the heartbeat on our anniversary.

I explained to the kids in the car what had happened, which was not easy because I still did not believe or understand it myself. Both expressed sadness over not being a big brother or big sister again, but Caleb quickly moved on. He did want to sit and snuggle the entire evening, though. Abby had a tough time-she cried a little bit and cried later that evening as well. She dealt with her grief by making me a picture that explained that the baby was with Jesus.

After some prayer and research, I went in on Friday and had the surgery I never thought I would ever have. It just seemed "easier" than waiting for something to happen on its own. When I woke up, my first thought was what I had just lost and immediately started crying again. All I could do was look at Nick and say, "I'm sorry." Yes, I know I did nothing wrong, but those were the only words I could come up with.

The added fun to all of this was that I had to go across the street to the hospital to get my Rhogam shot (being B- and all). I always have to get it after having my kids and I guess this counts as well. Why they sent me to the labor and delivery floor for the shot is beyond me. Thankfully, we only had to see one new mom and her baby being wheeled out.

After two days of almost non-stop crying, I can finally get through a conversation about it with dry eyes. What has been amazing to me is the support we have received. I have heard one should not share pregancy news until after the first trimester because of reasons like this. However, I do not regret it at all because we have been covered in so much prayer and encouragement that I am blown away.

What I have also been struck by is the number of people this has happened to. Whether old high school friends on facebook, women from church, from camp...from every part of life-so many of them have gone through this. In some ways it has been helpful to hear their stories because I do not feel so alone and they show that life does go on. But, it also makes me ache for their loss as well.

Years ago, I heard Andrew Peterson open for Caedmon's Call at Grove City College, back in his "Who is this guy?" stage. He sang a song called, "Lullaby" that was written for his first child who was a miscarriage. While I cannot seem to find an audio link for the song, here are the lyrics. They are a comfort to me and hopefully anyone else who has experienced this grief.

Well I haven't got a lot to offer
Just a rhyme and a melody
But I promised I would write if it took all night
A melody for thee

Well, they say there ain't no sleeping in Heaven

Baby that don't mean that you can't dream
So when you close your eyes, know your mother and I
Pray the Lord your little soul to keep
And we never got the chance to hold you
And we never got to tell you good night
So we hope you can hear as Jesus cradles you near
Baby, this is your lullaby

Are you running with the angels?
Are you singing with the saints?
Are you throwing a ball against a Heavenly wall?
Maybe swinging on the pearly gate?

And there's so much love between us
So much that I want to say
I wanna ramble awhile with my beautiful child
Baby, I can hardly wait

Baby Rosenfeldt #3-we will meet you someday in Heaven. Your Daddy and I loved you from the moment you were a thought. Your big brother and big sister are very excited to meet you and still pray for you every night. They thank Jesus for you being in our lives for a few weeks and know you are safe now.


Emily Jean said...

I love that song! I still haven't heard it, but I've read the lyrics somewhere else before. Tammy, we love you guys! Don't ever forget it!

Great-grandma Dee said...

My dear Tammy and Nick - what a lovely song, I never heard it before but it brought tears to my eyes, because I can't imagine the loss you feel, but God gives us the wisdom to handle these things, just as you did with Abbey and Caleb. God Bless you all. Love you.
Great-grandma Dee

Anonymous said...

This so moving- I have no words. I cried and cried reading it. Especially thinking about my little grandchild in Heaven.

I thank the Lord so much that He calls us His own and we can rest in Him. There are no words to express my thankfulness of knowing that my kids are walking in faith.

Our family is sharing heavy hearts, but He holds our hearts in His mighty Hand. Love you all.

Jessica said...

Tammy, while I cannot understand what you are going through I mourn with you. I cried as I read your post, this has always been one of my greatest fears. I am so sorry you and your family have had to go through this. I pray you will continue to heal and that peace will find you all.

Jess Andrews

Christi said...

I also have cried over the loss of this grandbaby...
Knowing he or she is in heaven helps..
We are here for you all.
Love, Christi

Karen said...

Tammy and Nick,
Yes, this is a lovely song, but my heart aches for your loss. I cried and cried reading about your experience Tammy. I'm so, so sorry for you and your sweet little family. I've wanted to call, but felt as though no words could bring you comfort..cuz I really just wanted to hug you. Your family in California loves you all so much, and will keep you in our prayers, as always. We will always be here for you..Aunt Karen and family....